Monday, February 7, 2011
I'm feeling strange tonight.I dunno why,could be cos I'm going back to work after a rather long holiday.
But I also feel sick a little.Feverish? I can't really tell,stomach feels like I'm nervous.Wth =_=
Anyway if that wasn't bad enough I went to check out the Uni websites,and all the admissions are now opened.Till march,so I got a month to apply.
I feel so lost to be honest,intimidated by the big world I'm now in.All these while its like my life had been guided y'know,it was so simple,primary school,secondary school then polytechnic and then the army.Everything was pre planned and my path was paved for me before I even took the first step.
But now its different.There is no more fixed path.I'm at a crossroad,with a hell lot of paths laid out.I can't pick em all,no I have to find one and move towards it.
But I dunno which one to choose,I dunno what I wanna do.I feel afraid cos I dunno what my future holds,or what I can make of it.
I feel very uneasy.Everyone else seems to be able to make a choice on what they wanna do.But I can't,maybe there's a lack of interesting options in Singapore.I've been looking at the all the available courses in all the Universities here and till now not one has interest me.Since I graduated from poly and through my time in army all the way till now,after more than 2 years,I still can't see myself going into any of the career paths.
I was just a slight bit interested in becoming a teacher,sure my parents agreed on it,my friends agreed on it,but me? I still feel unsettled bout everything.Do I really wanna be a teacher? Is that gonna be my life from now on?
I'm so lost right now,in all honesty I need more time,yet time is the last of my available options.Every year I grow older,and my time to make crucial decisions like my career choice shortens.
I can choose any course and easily apply for it,that's nothing.But I'll never survive for long doing something that can't interest me forever.
Sometimes I feel like I should have listen to mummy and sign on in the army.Good pay and from what I see,the regulars hardly do much.But I can't stand wasting my life away,even if it came with good money.If I'm not doing something fruitful,I might as well not bother.
I need to do something with a passion,else I can't pull it off.I need to love what I'm doing else I can't do it.And till now,non of the usual career path offered by any of our local universities makes me feel like I'll love what I get in the end of my degree.
At the same time I cannot just rot away wasting away my life being unable to make a choice.Shit why can't some bloody job or degree course interest me.zzz.
More than anything else,I wanna travel.I just wanna go see the world,not just stay cooped up in this little stupid dot.Go far and wide,see all the interesting sights,hear all the awesome sounds,meet all the different people,learn about all the uncountable number of cultures out there.
I sound like a small dumbass kid who hasn't grown up and is still holding onto some childish dream that'll never come true.But if that's how it is then I'm not embarrassed or afraid to say that yes,I am still holding onto such crazy dreams.More than being a doctor,a soldier,an office worker or even a teacher,I wanna be an explorer.But hell no I doubt there's any such career or anyone willing to pay me to go explore.
Its so bullshit.
Maybe something like that is possible,if I was in like US or some freaking English country,but I'm not.I'm here in Singapore,and stuck with limited choices,non of which I could care about.
I feel so restricted,like I'm lacking freedom.I can't just pick a course and get a degree just to secure a job and a stable income.I need to be happy.A normal life that's just go work come home sleep,rinse and repeat is nothing more to me than wasting my life away.
To me traveling is the ultimate freedom,I can go anywhere I want,see everything that I wanna see.Just out free roaming the world,gaining knowledge of all that's out there,to me that's THE life that can keep me going always.Everyday something's different,I'll never get bored,life will never be mundane and every experience will be a new lesson in life.
But,I don't think there's any schools here offering any such related courses.Two related jobs that I would have been interested in are Archaeologist and Historian.Both involve traveling and uncovering interesting stuff.But hey,time to burst that bubble,cos there ain't any such courses here.
Sigh..I can feel the world weighing down on me.I'm just sitting here restless,unsatisfied and uncomfortable with the way things are.I can't possibly do any of the courses available here,and the courses I do wanna go to,are overseas.And I'm not financially well of to just fly over to any country to continue my studies.
Life's irony.I can truly feel myself for the insignificant being I am at the moment in this world.Just an unfathomably tiny being amidst the uncountable number of lifeforms.
I'll end it here for the night.I seriously don't feel like going to work tomorrow.No mood,and I really don't wanna see someone there.